Terminal Regression Page 6

  I heard what he was saying, but it didn’t seem possible. People got in fights; it happened. You didn’t take their lives for it.

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “Well, it’s true. I might have gotten out of it if I’d admitted I was in the wrong, but… I don’t know. I kept insisting I was right. I guess I became too willful to keep around.”

  “So they killed you?”

  He looked at me oddly. “Yeah… Do you believe me? I mean…you’re on my side?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know the whole story, but it sounds like you got way too harsh of a punishment. It wasn’t your job to help, but you were only helping. There’s no harm in that.”

  “I may have broken a guy’s nose, actually, but in principle, yeah, no harm at all. Thank you.”

  I shook my head. “I just can’t believe that’s how we operate.”

  “People tend to agree with it. Everyone’s so desperate to preserve the city’s perfect peace. My family sided against me. My girlfriend sided against me. I was completely on my own. And now Laura Baily from the fifth grade pulls me out of the mud. That’s incredible. That’s unreal. Wow.” He started getting choked up. He wasn’t the sobbing baby he’d been last night, but it was worse watching him competently suffer.

  “Are you okay?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. You’re just really special, and I don’t know how I can ever… You know, I should get out of your hair. I’m sure you have work. Don’t let me take any more of your time.”

  He worked his way around me and got out of bed, doing his best to appear brave.

  “I don’t have to go for a while,” I said. “And you’re welcome to stay. I can’t imagine you’re fully recovered.”

  “This is as good as it gets, actually. Tomorrow it starts all over again.” He assessed his apparel. “Did I have clothes on when you found me?”

  “In the bathroom. They should be dry by now.”

  He began to get dressed. Did he seriously think he could go on like this? Barely conscious one day and waking up in a strange place the next? Those shocks would eventually start causing permanent damage, and then he’d become irreparably disabled. But he must have known that already. He just didn’t have much of a choice.

  He smiled at me once his jumpsuit was on. “I really can’t tell you how much I appreciate this. You’re a lifesaver. If you ever need anything, track me down. Seriously, I owe you one.”

  I couldn’t imagine asking a favor of him after knowing what was happening to him. I could barely stand the thought of him going back out there all by himself. It seemed no matter how bad things got, there was always something worse lurking right around the corner. Nothing made sense anymore. Nothing was safe anymore.

  “Actually,” I said nervously. “Can I pick you up from work? I just… I want to know you’ll be okay.”

  He looked at me strangely. “What, forever?”

  I shrugged, hoping that wasn’t too much of an imposition. “I guess. I really don’t think you should be alone like that.” Not that I could really help him. The best I could do was keep him from wandering into dangerous situations, but that was better than nothing.

  “Uh, I mean, I can’t guarantee you’ll be able to find me. But if you do and you want to help, I’m certainly not against it. It’s not really your job though.”

  “I know. I just sort of have to.”

  What can I say? I didn’t want him to get hurt. That was a very natural human impulse. Wasn’t it?

  He was fighting some powerful emotions it seemed. He just nodded and smiled. “Thank you… Thanks.”

  I hadn’t stood up yet, but he bent down to hug me. There was something about him. Every time he touched me, no matter his mental state, it was like he was saying something more, sharing a secret with me. But it was encrypted in a way I couldn’t yet understand.

  “It’s not a problem,” I said, buzzing with a weird energy all of a sudden. “So, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  He nodded. “I hope I recognize you. Until then.” He waved awkwardly before heading out the door.

  And suddenly I had a project. I had to start thinking things through. Acting on impulse seldom ever worked out well for me. I was now a babysitter for a full-grown, semi-delusional man, and I didn’t even have my own situation under control yet. It was messy, but I’d have to make it work. Will needed me. And active torture takes precedence over emotional discomfort.

  I went to work a little out of it. Mimi met me as I clocked in.

  “Good morning,” she said with her usual enthusiasm. “We missed you last night.”

  I could hardly remember anything before finding Will on the side of the road.

  “Right, the group. How was it?”

  “You didn’t miss much, I guess. What should we do today?”

  I shrugged. “I’m up for anything. Where’s Grant?”

  I swear her smile went cold for a second. “Oh, he has supervisor duties. Besides, he’s been going out with us a lot lately. I want to make sure you get your fair share of attention.”

  “But I’m fine sharing you, and I know you guys are close.”

  “It’s fine,” she said sharply. “Really.” She never stopped smiling, but I decided to give it a rest. Something was obviously wrong between them. Maybe I should have stayed for the support group.

  It was still muddy out, so we worked inside for a while. Mimi was less chatty than usual and very focused on the plants.

  She sent me to the shed to get fertilizer. Once I was alone, I got to thinking maybe it was just me. Maybe the incident with Will had made me weirdly observant and I was simply noticing things I’d never bothered to see before.

  “Let me give you a hand with that.” Seth and his man-bun had followed me out. The fertilizer bag wasn’t too heavy, so I figured he had something to say.

  “How chivalrous. What’s the catch?”

  He smiled. “Just thought you’d like to know what’s up. Why Miss Sunshine isn’t herself today.”

  Yes, it was none of my business, Mimi deserved her privacy, blah, blah. But if Seth knew, it couldn’t really be too personal.

  “And I suppose you know all that?”

  “I do, as a matter of fact. Grant stayed for our group last night but didn’t have anything to share. He and I live in the same building, so I offered to drive back with him after he locked up. I was waiting for a while, so I thought I’d check in on him. Turns out, Mimi was there.”

  I tried not to blow things out of proportion. “So what? She might have been helping him.”

  He shook his head. “They were shouting. It was bad. I didn’t go in after that, but I was there long enough to hear her get pretty upset. I don’t know what he did, but she wants him to leave her alone.”

  Things just kept getting worse. Everything in my life was spiraling out of control because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.

  “This is all my fault,” I said. “I told him to go for it. I’m such an idiot.”

  “Don’t blame yourself. This has been months in the making. But I know they’ve both kind of adopted you. I thought you should know things might be rough for a while.”

  I nodded. “No kidding. Thanks. And I’ve got the fertilizer.”

  “All right. Good luck.”

  It would take more than luck. Between work drama and the new development at home, I’d need a miracle. But it could have been worse. For the first time in my life, I felt like something was happening. Something concerning and significant. And it was about time.

  Chapter 11

  <<<

  I didn’t tell anyone about Will. It wasn’t that I was afraid to; it just didn’t seem relevant. Besides, no one was trying to talk to me much anyway. Mimi and Grant were wrapped up in their fight, and Seth, having shared his gossip, returned to his usual silent observer self.

>   I still had to follow Mimi around, uncomfortable as it swiftly became. She hardly spoke to me after that mysterious incident with Grant. I felt a constant inclination to apologize for something, like I was somehow responsible for whatever he’d done. But she never brought it up. In the empty, quiet hours of our workday, I couldn’t help but speculate about what had actually happened between them. It seemed impossible that Grant could have done something truly terrible. Sure, he wasn’t my favorite person in the world, but he seemed like a decent guy. I could only assume it was simply too soon for her. I didn’t know the first thing about husbands, but I was certain losing one would keep a girl out of the game for a good long time.

  The next day, she greeted me with another false smile before leading me outdoors. We ended up in the cornfield, drowning in stalks that reached well over my head. I could feel my artist heritage screaming as I awaited my introduction to another uninspired task.

  “It’s pretty simple,” Mimi said, speaking perhaps her only words of the day. “We’re pulling the tops off.” She reached up and demonstrated, tossing the little tasseled bit onto the ground. “Got it?”

  I guess I could have asked why we were doing this, whether it actually served some sort of purpose or they were just giving us busy work. But I figured regardless of the answer, I’d still have to do it, so I decided not to bother her about it.

  The day progressed slowly, each of us moving down our rows. Reach up, pull off, throw away. Over and over in that never-ending sea of produce. Eventually, I was deep enough into the field that the greenhouse was out of sight. Mimi was somewhere nearby. I could still hear her plucking away at those corn tops, but all I could see in any direction were stalks, great big, leafy giants brushing that vast expanse of a sky.

  I stopped working as tears suddenly filled my eyes. Why was I thinking of Mom? Why would I let myself do that? Hadn’t I learned my lesson with Dad? But there I was, crying in a cornfield, remembering all the stupid, beautiful things she used to say. The worst part was she wasn’t even gone, not really. Somewhere on that same earth, she was alive and well, doing her art goddess thing, probably having forgotten all about me.

  I should have been comforted by the thought of her happiness, but it only made me more miserable. We rarely got along very well, but she was familiar. She was my mother, my very first memory in the world back when life was simple. For as long as I’d been living, she’d been there, whether I wanted her or not. Now I was alone. Now I had to face this whole, terrifying universe on my own.

  I tried to calm myself down before I got too ugly. Mimi didn’t need to know I was such a mess. Just like I didn’t need to know about her and Grant. We’d all just keep minding our own painful and disturbing business until it finally did us in.

  I wiped my face on my sleeve and tried to put everything out of my head. I got back to work. There were no regrets in corn tops, no pent-up emotions, irrational anxieties, or feelings of any kind. I urged my mind to go numb. I was a machine. My only concern was the work, nothing more. No questions or worries or thoughts. Because they didn’t matter anyway. Everything would remain unchanged, trapped in this cyclical void, slowly spiraling inward until it all collapsed into itself.

  I shut my eyes and shook my head. Why was I such a dork? Why couldn’t I do a simple task without getting all philosophical about it? I stretched my arm and wriggled my fingers, trying to reset myself and start anew. But at that point, I was pretty worn out. The sun was beating down, and in my long-sleeved flannel I was quickly becoming a sticky, sweaty mess. My hands were sore and my shoulder ached and I started getting pretty irritable. It just really wasn’t my day.

  I was in a mood when Mimi showed up again. I didn’t bother returning her fake smile. I was miserable, and I wanted to go home already.

  “Are you okay?” she asked as I rather gruffly yanked another top off.

  I was so tired of lying, but I knew the truth would mean some lengthy journey into the depths of my malfunctioning psyche, so I just nodded. “Fine.” It didn’t sound very convincing.

  Mimi had this terrible way of looking at me. I felt especially broken when she was constantly trying to baby me. I mean, she was messed up too. Our levels of insanity were relatively even, so why was it okay for her to act like I was so infinitely more delicate? I stopped working after a while of being stared at.

  “What?” I demanded. “Am I doing it wrong or something?”

  She shook her head and went back to work. “There are gloves in the supply shed,” she mumbled in such an apologetic whisper I barely heard it.

  That was a strange thing to say. I looked down at my hands. They were pretty unhappy looking but I’d managed to keep them clean enough. Trying to be sneaky, I took a glance at Mimi, who had already resumed pretending I didn’t exist. Her nails were cut short and had a thin line of dirt underneath. I couldn’t get a good look at her palms, but I imagined they must have been pretty tough if she could do this for hours at a time without a single complaint.

  I felt a sudden rush of heat that made even more sweat start rolling down my neck in distinct, slimy beads. For some reason, I felt guilty. I felt privileged and spoiled and why? Because I was a couple years behind her in my farming skills? Because I was new to this life and hadn’t yet had the opportunity to become physically changed? I didn’t get it. No part of that was my fault. I would have been the first to admit it if it were. Yet my gut was swirling with guilty anxiety.

  Still confused, I awkwardly made my way out of the field and to the shed. The gloves helped, I guess. They helped with that tiny little inconsequential fraction of my issues that day. But it wasn’t like I could dwell on the rest of them for long.

  No one seemed to notice when I took a truck by myself at the end of the day. On my way to the plant, I tried to shake off all my stupid feelings so I could competently take care of this guy as I’d so foolishly promised.

  There were more of them outside this time. As I parked, most of them backed away in fear, but there were some braver ones who crowded the truck in dumb curiosity. I suddenly realized I might have been addressing a bunch of thieves and murderers, and that was certainly an unsettling thought. But they looked so helpless stumbling around like that. All the scariness had been zapped out of them by that point. I wished I could do something to help more of them, but Will barely fit in my bed as it was.

  “Hey, guys,” I said, trying my best to seem non-threatening. “Is Will here?” I scanned their confused faces.

  I saw him cowering with the others, but there was faint recognition in his eyes. For some reason, just seeing him alive and relatively stable put me in better spirits. I smiled for him. “Hi, buddy. It’s Laura. Are you ready to go?”

  He squinted at me. Then his mouth began to curl into the most adorable smile.

  “Hi!” he said. “I missed you!”

  I took his hand. “I missed you too. Can I take you home?”

  He nodded so hard I feared for his neck muscles. “Okay. And I stay with you?”

  “That’s right.”

  There was no crying this time. I strapped him in right quick, and, just like that, we were off. He was actually really happy it seemed. But it was a damaged, almost drunken sort of happiness.

  “I have a best friend,” he said giddily. “And nobody believed me. I told them. I said my best friend is so pretty. And they just… ‘Shut up, Will.’” He started laughing. “But I didn’t. ’Cause she’s so pretty.”

  I pulled into the truck lot. “I bet she is. What’s her name?”

  He looked at me. “Laura. Duh.” He snickered at me.

  I actually blushed a little bit. “Oh. I didn’t—”

  “My last best friend was Casey,” he went on without missing a beat. “But she was my girlfriend. You know she didn’t come see me? I called her, but she just… ‘You messed up, Will.’ Well, she messed up too. Now I’m single and free!”
>
  I didn’t know how to feel about that. We still didn’t know each other all that well, and I didn’t want him prematurely baring his soul to me, especially while his mental faculties were so impaired. He seemed more or less at ease, but I couldn’t exactly trust him in his current state. I decided to just get him inside.

  Walking to my room tired him out again. He sat down straight away to catch his breath.

  “All right, you settle in, and then we’ll go get dinner.”

  He shook his head. “I’m not hungry. Can I go to sleep?”

  “Will, you have to eat.”

  “I’ll eat tomorrow.” He started pulling his shoes off.

  I knew I needed to feed him; that was like rule number one of babysitting. But he’d already made himself at home, and I didn’t want to pester the poor guy after everything he’d been through at work.

  “You’ll be okay by yourself for a little bit? I’ll be right back.”

  He nodded. “Okay.”

  It didn’t feel right leaving him alone, but I’d worked a full day and needed food. The cafeteria line wasn’t too long, but I worried the whole time I was there. Nothing in my room could really hurt him. I had nothing sharp or flammable, no choking hazards. My biggest concern was that he’d roll out of bed onto the hard concrete. The more I thought about it, the more likely it seemed.

  I almost ran back home with my bag of food, but I forced myself to calm down. It had only been a couple of minutes.

  Of course he was fine. I got back and saw he’d gotten under the covers. He wasn’t asleep yet though and looked up at me when I entered.

  “Hey,” I said. “You want half of my sandwich?”

  He sighed. “No, thank you.”