Terminal Regression Page 8

  We picked up dinner and spent the rest of the day setting up our home. The wooden crates they’d given us our stuff in served to prop up his mattress to just about an equal height to my own bed. That made our sleeping corner, the two beds making an L shape. We put his clothes in the closet and toiletries in the bathroom, and the apartment actually started to look less bleak.

  “Not bad,” he said once everything was in order. “I think I’ll be very comfortable here.” He sat down on his bed.

  “Well, I hope so. Did you live alone back home?” I sat on my own bed.

  “Briefly. I was just starting out when I got arrested. But there was always somebody around—friends, family… It was a good time.”

  I nodded. “I still lived with my mom.”

  “And your dad?”

  Another miserable episode threatened to show itself, but I forced it down. I’d had plenty of time to get used to telling the story. “He died like eight years ago.”

  “Oh. Sorry.”

  I shrugged. “It’s fine.” It really wasn’t, but he’d seen enough of my crazy for one day.

  “You know I remember him?”

  I looked at him. “Really?”

  “Yeah. He and your mom came to school once. They taught us some sort of art project. For like, two minutes I wanted to be an artist because of them. The way they lit up about their work. It was really disappointing to find out I sucked at it.”

  I smiled a little bit. “Tell me about it.”

  “No, you were good. Everyone always wanted to do group work with you so you could draw all the pictures and things. But I guess things change. You’re not exactly the same person anymore.”

  “Yeah, in fifth grade I never expected to be dead before twenty-five.”

  “Yeah. I thought I’d be thirty at least.”

  I almost laughed. The air came out at least. That was kind of a big step for me.

  But something wasn’t sitting right inside me. We went to bed, but I couldn’t help feeling bothered in a weird way. It wasn’t Will; he was an absolute angel. I knew for a fact it wasn’t the new furniture arrangement. It wasn’t even death.

  It wasn’t death. We weren’t dead. The train didn’t kill us.

  I wanted to scream. I wanted to sob and freak out and do everything else that would only further prove my insanity. How had I not realized it sooner?

  My dad hadn’t died; at least, not eight years ago. He’d come here. We were in the same world, the same city. I didn’t want to bother Will with this very personal information, but I was bursting. My dad was alive. And that simple fact changed everything.

  Chapter 13

  <<<

  I skipped breakfast the next morning. Will went on without me at my insistence. It was a work day for him, and breakfast was perhaps the only meal he’d be fully conscious for.

  I clocked in but didn’t wait for Mimi to show up. I needed answers, and I had a pretty good idea where to find them.

  Grant stayed in his office most of the time now that Mimi had refused him. He seemed surprised to see me.

  “I was going to call you in,” he said. “You and Mimi both. You’re not adjusting very well, and I know my outburst yesterday as well as my history with your mentor haven’t helped. I’d like to apologize.”

  I waved it away. “You’re forgiven. I need a favor.”

  Yes, my moods were subject to change, but he didn’t need to appear so extremely confused. “Do you?”

  “Yes. I want to find someone. Someone who took the train years ago. I want to know if there’s a database of some sort or maybe an address book. Just anything that could help me locate someone.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “Can I ask why?”

  “Well, I’d rather not get into it. Basically, someone died and now I know what that really means. I want to find him.”

  He shook his head. “You’d have to ask management. And I doubt they’d let you do that. The dead are supposed to stay dead. When you start reviving people, reconnecting with them, it rarely turns out well.”

  My heart sank. “What do you mean?”

  He gestured for me to sit. “This place changes you. It’s meant to. It’s a chance to start over without any trace of your past. This person you’re searching for, he could be anyone now. He could be an entirely new person.”

  “That’s not possible. Besides, it wouldn’t change us. We’re family. We love each other no matter what.”

  “What about when he finds out what you did?” He took a breath and spoke softly. “Laura, people don’t tend to accept suicides. They think we were being selfish or cowardly. If you really want this, I can give you an address for management. But I think you need to think it through. You need to consider the possibility he doesn’t want you to find him.”

  I shook my head, on the verge of tears. My dad loved me. Of course he’d want me even if I was a mess. It would be tough, but we’d get through it together. Everything would go back to the way it had been before he left.

  I just kept shaking my head. It wasn’t possible to go back. This was who I was now; I couldn’t expect to hide what I’d become from him forever. And I couldn’t expect him to want me when I didn’t even want myself.

  Will had accepted me. That should have been encouraging. But while I knew part of it was because he was a genuinely good person, I couldn’t ignore the fact that he did have something to gain from our arrangement, something pretty significant actually. What would my dad gain? A suicidal kid and the guilt that he hadn’t been around to prevent all that? That was hardly every parent’s dream.

  “You’re wrong,” I said weakly, desperate to restore normalcy in my life though I knew it would only keep slipping further and further away.

  Grant and I seemed to always be going back and forth. We didn’t know too much about each other, and I guess that made our interactions a little complicated. But I trusted him. He was, after all, vocationally obligated to look out for me.

  He glanced at the door as if to make sure we wouldn’t be interrupted. “Laura, I’ve been on both sides. I ran into someone from home a while back. I’d accepted my fate by then. I’d accepted being this new person with a new life on my own. I didn’t have room for them here. We both also happened to be suicides. Killing myself was easy, but seeing someone I cared about do it made me sick. And now we’re distant. We’re like strangers. It’s like the past never existed. Do what you’ve got to do, but be careful. It’s too easy to get hurt this way.”

  I nodded. It was a big step trying to contact my dad after all these years. I’d have to give it some serious thought. If my life got any less bearable, I wasn’t sure what I’d do. Dad was a wild card, and I couldn’t afford to take that risk.

  Grant had suffered more than he’d let on when we first met. He must have been one of the most tragic people I’d ever known. But lately, that was the case for everyone I ran into. It was just a tragic world.

  I stood up before I could start crying. “Thanks. Is that a true story?”

  He looked grim. “Yeah.”

  I nodded. “Okay… Stand up for me?”

  He hesitated, but eventually he pushed himself up and leaned on his crutch. He wasn’t a real touchy-feely guy, at least, not towards me, but I didn’t have anything to say. I just hugged him. I hoped maybe some of Will’s magic had rubbed off on me.

  He awkwardly patted me on the back. “So you’ll be okay?” he asked.

  I let go of him. “Yeah. I won’t do anything rash. And I guess I should get to work since I already clocked in.”

  “That would be best. Have Mimi come to my office at the end of the day. I still need to review your work adjustment. Make sure you’re on track toward independence.”

  I sighed. “Really? We have a heart to heart like that and I still need a performance review?”

  He smiled. “It
’s my job. Now, go on, be productive.”

  I was almost really good. I almost walked out of there without another word. But of course, that’s not really how I operate.

  I paused in the doorway, suspicion getting the best of me. “So, you’re Mimi’s husband, right?”

  His smile disappeared. He didn’t respond. He just glared at me, not really angrily but like I’d caught him.

  I nodded. “Cool. So, neither of us is big on support groups, but if you ever find yourself wanting to talk, you know where to find me.”

  He didn’t say anything more as I left. Maybe I was horrible for exposing him like that, but come on. He dies and then someone he loves kills herself? Now it’s like they had no past? It really wasn’t that hard to figure out. But there was a part two to this revelation. I had to confront Mimi.

  She was harder to look at now. She’d actually been so devastated that she’d convinced everyone her husband was really dead rather than face the truth. The truth was still murky to me. Were they both just massive hypocrites and hated each other for being suicides?

  She smiled at me. “Took you long enough. What have you been up to?”

  I shrugged. “Performance review. Grant wants you in at the end of the day so you guys can criticize me together.”

  She gave me a look. “Laura, I would never. You’ve done excellent work.”

  “Grant seems to think I have an adjustment issue. What’s his story anyway?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, he’s sort of secluded. And his foot thing… I don’t know. You guys are close. Do you know what’s up with him?”

  She looked at me blankly for a while before heading out to the fields. I followed along. It was corn again, so she still wasn’t over their fight.

  “I’m sure he’s perfectly ordinary,” she muttered. “It’s really none of our business.”

  “Yeah, but aren’t you curious? I mean, he’s cute. There’s no reason a guy like that has to be alone.”

  She stopped suddenly, and I thought maybe I’d struck the right nerve.

  “Laura,” she said straight faced. “Grant is alone because he made that choice before you or I got here. He decided that the people in his life weren’t good enough, so he left them. Isn’t that what we’ve all done?” She didn’t look like the same person without a smile on her face.

  “I just… He’s allowed to change his mind. We’re all allowed to change.”

  She smiled, but it was sad and forced. “Laura, have you ever been in love?”

  I blushed in shame. “No.”

  “Then you’re very lucky. It’s love that hurts us. It’s love that lets us down. Grant knows that. I know it. It’s time you knew it too.”

  I was speechless. So much for cheerful, preppy Mimi. Maybe someone did need to put me in my place. I was getting pretty ridiculous.

  “Now, let’s get to work,” she said. “After all, you need to earn my positive review.”

  From then on, I decided to stop meddling. Grant, Mimi, even my dad could carry on as they were. There was too much that I didn’t understand, and if I got involved I’d only make things worse. I’d just lie low and pretend I didn’t exist. I was good at that.

  Chapter 14

  <<<

  I kept my head down for a while. It killed me to be so useless when so much needed fixing, but there wasn’t much I could do. Grant was still all spooked by my little outburst the other day, and Mimi was really committed to holding that grudge. Work became more and more of a solitary thing all because those two dummies couldn’t work out their marriage. But I stayed out of it.

  I got plenty of awkward conversation at home as I became better acquainted with my new roommate. Will let the suicide thing disappear into our history, which I was extremely grateful for. Unfortunately, that was pretty much the only history we had.

  I was getting good at stealing a truck before everybody else got out. On his days off, I tried to carpool just so I wouldn’t raise any suspicions. It wasn’t really that I was doing something wrong; I just didn’t want anyone to find out so they couldn’t tell me I had to stop. It was weird having Will in my life, but I kind of liked it. Just having someone around to talk my ear off every now and then was oddly comforting. I guess I’d grown accustomed to it living with my mom all those years.

  I picked him up just like always, having to jog his memory a little before he realized what was going on.

  “Oh, hi!” he said excitedly. I’ll admit, it was nice knowing someone was excited to see me.

  We got into the truck for our usual journey.

  “So how are you feeling?” I asked tentatively, trying to pick up on any concerning visual cues.

  He shrugged. “I guess I’m fine. It still feels kind of funny.”

  I glanced over and saw him curling and uncurling his fingers.

  “Yeah, I bet. What does it feel like? Getting shocked, I mean.”

  He wrinkled his face up in a very thoughtful way. “Um, I don’t know. Bad? It just…” He started hitting one of his palms to demonstrate.

  “Well, hey, don’t hurt yourself.” I reached over and grabbed his hand before he could do himself any further damage.

  He looked at me like I’d startled him then looked down at our hands, tightening his grip and forcing me to commit to driving one handedly. I had to keep my eyes on the road, but I felt him examining me, lightly tracing his fingers over the skin, manipulating my fingers, turning my hand this way and that to see it from most every angle. It gave me a strange, tingly feeling, but I let him go on for a while longer.

  “Hey, buddy?” I said softly. “What are you doing?”

  His face had lost all expression. He closed both of his hands around mine, gently cradling it.

  “It’s nice,” he whispered.

  For a second, I feared he wanted to keep it somehow. But then he smiled at me and let me go. I drew my hand away uncertainly and placed it back on the steering wheel.

  “Thanks. I guess it’s the gloves. I’d probably be all grimy and calloused without them.”

  He looked down at his own palms, which, naturally, were grimy and calloused from hours of pulling wet levers. I felt like such a jerk.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

  “Can I get gloves?”

  Well, now I’d made him self-conscious. Way to go, Laura. But it wasn’t such a bad idea. Maybe they’d block the shock enough for him to retain competence or at least buy him some time before the long-term effects kicked in.

  “You know, yeah. I’ll ask about that.”

  His face lit up. “Really?”

  “Yeah. I’m sure no one will mind. Even if they do, we can just figure out where the market is in this place and get you some there. Great idea, Will.”

  He grinned. “Thanks, Casey.”

  I turned to look at him so sharply I may have swerved a little bit. “What?”

  He looked back with great big, innocent eyes. “What?”

  I wasn’t sure how to respond. Clearly, his head wasn’t working right, but I still felt a little insulted. Casey was that girl who’d left him to rot in a jail cell, the girl he was glad to be rid of or so he’d said.

  “Nothing,” I said at last. He was damaged. I wouldn’t read into it.

  The rest of the evening was nothing special. He didn’t have any issues eating or getting to sleep. I stayed awake for a couple extra hours being haunted by the unsolvable mysteries of human existence, so I guess you could say it was a typical night.

  He was sore the next morning though he did his best to hide it. He woke up groaning before he regained enough sense to put on the tough guy act. I went into the bathroom to get ready for work and hopefully give him a chance to stretch out or do whatever he had to do to make himself feel better. It was awful that we hid things from each other, but I w
asn’t about to tell him how I’d meddled in a broken marriage or that I’d given up on my dad out of fear he couldn’t love me. There are some things you just don’t tell people, and for him it appeared to be how totally wrecked he really was.

  I really hoped I’d be able to help him. Gardening gloves weren’t exactly ideal insulators, but they had to be better than skin alone. I just really wanted him to trust me. I didn’t want his brain to make any association between me and abandonment. Needless to say, I’d one hundred percent read way too deep into that Casey thing.

  He smiled at me when I came out, reminding me of Mimi though his acting was admittedly more believable.

  “Thanks for yesterday,” he said, so genuinely grateful it was almost nauseating.

  I shook my head. “Come on, you don’t have to do that. You know why I’m in this thing, and it’s hardly very selfless so, you know, it’s literally my pleasure.”

  He shrugged, laughing a little bit. “You’ll have to forgive me. I was raised to be grateful when somebody saves my life, regardless of their motives.”

  “Well, I’m not saving your life. I’m not. You get that, right? What I’m doing…” I sighed. What was I doing?

  Keeping with the terms of our arrangement, he immediately jumped to my aid. “Hey, are you okay?”

  I nodded. “I’m fine. I just don’t want to get your hopes up. I don’t want you to make a big deal out of what I’m doing because it’s not going to be enough.” I got quiet at that last part. It just wasn’t fair. I wanted to save him, I wanted to be truly helpful, but I didn’t know how.

  His smile was gone, and I watched him formulate a response.

  “Laura, I don’t expect you to save me,” he said gently. “I’m well aware that someday the damage is going to stick and I’ll be brain-dead until…well, until the end. And, yeah, it’s pretty terrifying, but it can’t be helped. What you’re doing for me means the absolute world to me. You get that, right?”