Terminal Regression Read online

  I took a deep breath, determined not to cry before breakfast. “I guess.”

  He half smiled. “Good… Well…” He very lightly punched my shoulder. “Hang in there.”

  That was the most awkward exchange of either of our lives, probably, but it did get me smiling.

  “Yeah, I’ll try,” I said, my ridiculous grin summoning a pretty powerful blush into the mix.

  Satisfied in his handling of the situation, he headed for the bathroom. But for some reason, that wasn’t good enough for me.

  “But I’m not giving up on you,” I hurriedly called before I could come to my senses.

  He faced me. “What?”

  My courage dwindled a little bit now that he was looking at me, but I shrugged. “I’m not giving up on you. I can’t do a lot, but I’ll do all I can. I’m sort of obsessive that way.”

  I felt almost dizzy waiting for a reaction. It took him a while longer than I’d anticipated, and I wondered if I’d crossed some sort of line. Then, slowly, he came back to me and wrapped me up in his arms. There was something so beautiful about him. He was so inherently good, so safe and real and just incredible. I couldn’t let something like that disappear, not without giving all I had to protect it.

  We stayed that way for a long time. I let myself relax, breathing him in and letting the whole rest of the world slip away. But I had to get to work eventually. I had to go back out into the chaos and hope I’d return with my sanity.

  When we parted, he didn’t say anything more. He just smiled and proceeded into the bathroom. And I went out the door.

  If I thought about it too much, I’d get really sad and hopeless, but Will and I were becoming friends. I knew our foundations were shaky and our future was basically nonexistent, but our present, our immediate now was pretty fantastic. I had someone who worried about me, looked out for me, maybe even cared about me. And I was more than happy to do the same for him. Something had shifted, I guess. It wasn’t such a self-serving arrangement anymore. And that felt really good.

  When I got to work, Mimi was in slightly better spirits.

  “You’re graduating!” she announced as I clocked in, giving me a brief flashback of my mom at the end of senior year.

  “I’m what?”

  “You don’t need a mentor anymore. I’ll take you out a couple more days and then you’re finally free of me.”

  I felt a little guilty. “Well, don’t say it like that.”

  She smiled. “Don’t worry, I’ll be around plenty. Whenever you need me, don’t hesitate to ask. So, what do you say we work inside for a little bit? Get a change of scenery?”

  There was still a little something off about her happiness, but it seemed she was improving. That was a good sign. And of course I was relieved to say goodbye to corn for a while.

  “Sounds good,” I said. “But before I forget, do you think it’d be cool if I borrowed a pair of gloves for a little project I’ve got going at home?” I probably should have asked Grant, but I was still a little wary after our last conversation.

  She nodded straight away. “Oh, that’s just fine. We do it all the time. Just make sure you return them. We try to operate on an honor system around here.”

  Much as I hated to admit it, things were going pretty well. For a while there, I actually believed it would last; not forever, but long enough. But honestly, after all I’d been through, I really should have known better.

  Chapter 15

  <<<

  I was pretty anxious picking Will up the next day. I so wanted the gloves to have worked. I knew it was stupid to think there’d be no damage whatsoever, but any amount of improvement was better than nothing.

  He’d been fairly reluctant to accept them when I’d first given them to him. He seemed to have forgotten our earlier discussion, and tried to pass it off as a stupid, damaged-day idea. But I’d insisted, and finally he gave in. I didn’t get the point of bravado. Why refuse help just to keep up a manly image? Of course, I’m sure there was more to it than that but it just seemed a little ridiculous to me that he wasn’t more willing to help himself.

  I parked the truck and searched for him among the workers. It was a little harder than usual. Eventually, I found him toward the back, shrinking away from me with some of the less stable prisoners.

  My heart sank a little. He was as fried as ever, but maybe it would get better in time.

  “How’d it go today?” I asked, having to basically force him out of the crowd.

  He shook his head, being a little too quiet for me to ignore.

  I looked at his hands. “Will, where are your gloves?”

  He wouldn’t meet my eyes. “Will?”

  He shut his eyes and shook his head furiously as tears began to stream out of him. God, what had I done?

  “It’s okay,” I said quickly, wrapping my arms around him. “Don’t worry about it, Will. It’s fine. You’re okay.”

  He held me tightly. “I’m sorry!” he wailed.

  “Oh, no, don’t. Please don’t cry. Let’s go home, okay?”

  It took a lot of work to get him into the truck. Once we were in motion, he wouldn’t look at me. He stared out the window, an occasional sob wracking his body. This was so bad. What the hell had they done to him in there? I tried to stay calm; only one of us could freak out at a time. But this was so, so bad.

  We got inside, but he still wouldn’t look at me. I tried to go through our standard routine, get him into dry clothes, get him comfy, then see if he was up for dinner. It felt weird trying to undress him when he was so shaken up.

  He crossed his arms when I reached for his zipper, actively refusing my help.

  “Will, aren’t you cold?” I asked gently.

  He hesitated, confused for a moment, then he shook his head.

  “Come on, I only want to help you. Look at me.” He wouldn’t, so I grabbed his face and made him. “Look at me. All I want to do is help. That’s all. I swear I would never hurt you or ridicule you or judge you in any way. You’re my best friend, Will. You can trust me.”

  He wasn’t happy about it, and tears were still dripping down his face, but he uncrossed his arms. I peeled off the damp jumpsuit while he stood there trembling. There was a reddish, purpling bruise on his arm.

  “Oh my God,” I said in shock. “What happened?”

  Silently, he pulled off his wet T-shirt. The bruise went all the way up his shoulder and then down onto his back. I pressed my lips together. I wanted to scream I was so angry and confused and heartbroken. But I managed to get to the closet, pull out a fresh set of clothes, and help him dress himself.

  We sat down, and I could feel him waiting for me to explode. I took a lot of big breaths and tried to steady myself.

  “Okay,” I said at last. “Will, you need to tell me what happened.”

  He hung his head. “I don’t want to.”

  “Dammit, Will!” I shouted before I could stop myself.

  “I messed up!” he shouted back. “I messed up. I’m sorry.” He lay down and faced the wall in shame.

  Why was I such an idiot? He was in no condition to talk about it. I sat beside him and very cautiously placed my hand on his back.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, getting a little choked up myself. “I shouldn’t have yelled. Get some rest, and we’ll deal with this in the morning. All right?”

  He didn’t respond.

  “Will, I am so sorry.”

  He heard it that time, the little crack in my voice. He rolled over and we just looked at each other, so miserably beyond words. Without thinking, I lay down next to him and let him cry onto my neck.

  He passed out pretty quickly, and I was able to free myself from his arms without disturbing him. I didn’t know what to do after that. For the longest time, I just sat on my bed watching him sleep and hoping all of this hadn’t bee
n my fault.

  Sleep wasn’t working for me that night. I went to bed late and woke up before my alarm. I sat perched, arms around my knees, ready to get some answers out of him the moment he opened his eyes.

  Finally, he began to stir. He rolled over and squinted at me as I watched him like a total creep.

  “Can I help you?” he asked with a sleepy smile.

  “What happened yesterday?” I demanded, having no patience for cute stuff.

  He sighed and pushed himself up. “Well, good morning to you too. Honestly, nothing happened, Laura. I lost your gloves in the plant somewhere, and I didn’t want to admit it. I’m sorry if I freaked you out.”

  He was lying. We’d cried to each other countless times. How had I still not earned his trust?

  “Okay, assuming that little fairy tale is true, how’d you get the bruises?”

  He looked at his arm, pulling his sleeve up over his shoulder. It was a much deeper purple now, and just the sight of it made me nauseous.

  “Would you believe I fell?” he asked hopefully.

  “Not for a moment. Just tell the truth, Will.”

  He let out a big, exasperated breath. “Fine.” He swung his legs off the bed in order to face me better. “I was using the gloves. They didn’t help much, but the grip was better, so thanks. My supervisor confiscated them. Apparently, I was out of uniform. Outside materials aren’t allowed. He had a bunch of reasons. Look, I’ll pay you back. Take my credits and—”

  “You honestly think I care about that?”

  He smiled. “No, I guess not.” I waited for him to go on, but he offered nothing more.

  “And the bruises?” I prompted.

  He tried to dodge the question. “I mean, you should really start getting ready for work. If we get into it now, you’ll be late.”

  “So I’ll be late. We are not leaving this room until you tell me what happened to you.”

  Reluctantly, he nodded. “Okay. He asked where I got them. I was pretty fried at that point, so I wasn’t sure how to respond. He asked if I stole them, and when I couldn’t answer, he pushed me. It was stupid, it was playground bullying, nothing major. But I was pretty out of it, so I couldn’t catch myself or anything. I guess I got a little busted up. It’s no big deal.”

  “It kind of is a big deal. Will, he assaulted you.”

  “And I assaulted that guy at the market. Laura, I’m a criminal. I don’t deserve any outside help or special privilege.”

  “You deserve to be treated like a human being. Maybe if you explain it to him. Go in tomorrow and tell the truth—”

  “I can’t do that,” he said firmly.

  I was so sick of his stupid ego. “Why not?”

  “Because I refuse to put you at risk. What if it’s wrong? What if I’m not supposed to have friends here? What if I’m not supposed to live with you? If anyone finds out about you, I could lose you. And if they decide what you’re doing constitutes aiding and abetting… Laura, you’ve been so good and so brave, but if they started shocking you…” He shook his head as if it would make the thought disappear.

  “Will,” I said gently. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

  He looked at me wearily. “Of course I do. If I don’t, who will?”

  I didn’t know how to respond. He’d let himself be injured because of me. I was responsible for those bruises and for all the tears of the previous day. I could have killed myself for that alone. My instability was what made him endure all that suffering. All that pain was to preserve our relationship, so he could be there to talk me down when I got particularly desperate. I didn’t know whether to hate him or worship him for that.

  I felt myself getting teary eyed. How could I let him do this for me? How could I stop him?

  I shook my head. “This sucks,” I said with a bitter laugh. “Just once, I want us to have a normal conversation. God, why is everything such a mess?”

  He just smiled and reached for my hand. “We’ll get there, Baily. I promise.”

  I looked at him, studying him for some sort of sign. This ordinary guy, this kid I’d gone to grade school with, somehow possessed the secret to everything I was missing. He was hope. He was endurance. He was everything humanity was meant to be. I could see all of that just by looking at his tired, troubled, beautiful face. I should have been nothing to him. I should have been a background character in his life story. It didn’t make sense for us to be anything more. But I held his hand and silently accepted it. This beautiful, impossible thing was really mine. If only for a moment.

  Chapter 16

  <<<

  I actually managed to get through a few days without incident. I went solo at work, even though I still took on the same jobs as Mimi, and Grant didn’t end up making a big scene about his secret being out. There was no reason for him to worry. I knew better than to go around sharing other people’s secrets. Eventually, I did let it slip to Will on one of his damaged days, but I was certain he had little to no memory of that.

  Things actually started looking up for us. After an admittedly messy start, we finally got a handle on our system. When he was bad, I didn’t have to focus on my own dumb problems. When he was good, he was awesome. I didn’t have any more breakdowns, thank God, but he was still very careful and considerate with my feelings. A little too careful actually. Now that I knew how much he was willing to sacrifice for me, I felt hopelessly guilty. I almost wished he’d make fun of me more just so he’d seem like less of a saint. I could think of thousands of suicide jokes, but I guess it really wasn’t appropriate for him to throw stuff like that around so callously. Not when he hadn’t been there.

  Keep in mind we had no way to entertain ourselves once we got off work. More often than not we’d find ourselves sitting in silence for hours at a time just waiting for it to be appropriate to call it a night. Every couple of days I got to take my laundry down to the communal machines in the apartment’s sketchy basement, and if I was feeling really spontaneous, I could braid and unbraid my hair or rearrange the toiletries strategically strewn about the bathroom floor. Real riveting stuff. It must have been worse for Will having whole days off. I wasn’t sure what exactly he did on those days, but it couldn’t have been too fun.

  We were lying on our beds one afternoon, staring up at the ceiling cement. Unable to contain myself, I heaved a loud, obnoxious sigh.

  “Bored?” he inquired.

  “Certainly not. Why do you ask?”

  I watched him roll over and face me peripherally, too lazy to actually move myself.

  “Well, we could play a game. Truth or dare like twelve-year-olds at a slumber party.”

  I grumbled. “That wasn’t even fun when I was twelve.”

  “Then you never went to slumber parties with the right crowd. Truth or dare?”

  Reluctantly, I rolled over. “Truth.”

  He made a face at me. “Fine, be boring. Oh, I have a horrible one.”

  “Shoot. I can take it.”

  He shook his head. “Oh my God, I’m evil. Okay, why’d you do it?” He winced as if preparing for a bad reaction.

  I didn’t get it at first. “Oh, like, why’d I kill myself? That’s the best you can do? All the ridiculous things about me, and you choose that?”

  He shrugged. “It seemed bad enough to me.”

  “Not really… I just kind of reached a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. Being me was so sad. I’d wake up and wonder if I should even bother getting out of bed. I was questioning my whole existence, and the best I could come up with was that the universe had made a mistake, that I couldn’t possibly exist just to be miserable. And it wasn’t like I wasn’t trying. I tried everything, just desperately searching for a feeling I couldn’t name. So finally, I just gave up. I left because I didn’t have a purpose. I didn’t like my life or the person I was. I was just tired of fai
ling every time I tried.” It wasn’t that complicated really.

  “So you didn’t have anything to live for? How does that happen?”

  I shrugged. “You get really unlucky. There’s something wrong with me, I think. Nothing really excites me. Honestly, I’ve felt dead for a long time.”

  He was being really cool about all this. I hardly felt like the monstrous freak I was when he looked at me like that. Like it wasn’t some overdramatic sob story. Like maybe my life wasn’t so hard to understand after all.

  “Did you try to get treated or anything?”

  I shook my head. “No, I… I was afraid to admit it. I thought it would mean I was crazy or something. And I didn’t want to just drug my problems away. I wanted to change my situation not my mind. Though, at this point, I don’t know. Now that the way out is significantly more complicated, I think I might do anything to just make it stop.” Not that it mattered. This world’s version of treatment was fresh air and a steady dose of menial labor.

  Will shook his head. “Wow. Yeah, there’s no way I can top that.”

  I smiled. “Well, it’s your turn. Truth or dare?”

  “Hm, I think it’s only fair I go truth.”

  “Okay. Tell me about Casey.” I blushed a little bit for God knows why. I still hadn’t forgotten that damaged-day mix up, though I didn’t dare confront him about it. He’d only mentioned her a couple other times, and it had always been highly negative, but apparently I had some weird obsession with other people’s love lives.

  His smile fell. “You’ve heard of Satan? That’s all you need to know about her.”

  “Come on. I told you my death story. You can talk about your girlfriend.”

  “Ex-girlfriend,” he corrected. “She made that very clear when I called her from prison. I don’t know what you want me to say. We met in school. She was into sports. She did cross-community with athletics and education so she could become a coach eventually. She had the energy for it. And how great would it be to have a coach for a girlfriend? I was expecting so much encouragement and support. And this girl was stunning. She just… I thought she was the one, which was actually really stupid of me looking back. We weren’t ever serious. We had a surface-level relationship, and I don’t think I ever trusted her with the deep stuff. At the first sign of trouble, she abandoned me. I probably should have seen it coming.” He sighed and dropped his face down into the mattress. “But I’m over it for the most part. If this job doesn’t kill me first, maybe I’ll find someone better.” He looked up at me and smiled. “Truth or dare?”